Diary

If I was King

Ah yes, another birthday for me. Another day of get special treatment. And specifically today, since I'm going to Disneyland, its almost like I get to be King.

But what if I were to be King for much longer than a day? What would I do?

Today, on my 24th birthday, I present to you the Top 11 Things I Would Do If I Was King.

If I was King:

  • By law of the land, all restaurants shall provide a menu with high-quality, high-resolution pictures of all of their food. No longer shall people of this country suffer from making uninformed decisions when ordering their meals.

  • By law of the land, ketchup and miscellaneous sauce packets at fast food restaurants shall come in a more economical "Melvin" size, which provides four-times as much sauce than today's typical sauce packet.

  • By law of the land, thongs, booty shorts and pants that have words such as "Cutie" and "Juicy" shall be forbidden for plus-sized women. No longer shall people of this country suffer from such false advertising and obscenities.

  • By law of the land, all plastic eating utensils shall be upgraded to a larger, more efficient "Melvin" size. No longer shall people of this country suffer from the pains of eating with small plastic kitchen utensils.

  • By law of the land, I shall have eternal immunity to all punching games, such as Punch Buggy and BB Bruiser.

  • By law of the land, instead of having to bow down to my presence, people shall play dead when tranquilize them with my imaginary blow dart or I shoot them hand gun & go "BANG."

  • By law of the land, every August 23rd will be a holiday that celebrates gay pride and unity. This holiday will be called Alan Blake day.

  • By law of the land, a Urinal Splash Guard shall be installed on every urinal of every male restroom.

  • By law of the land, all pornographic films shall censor the "sex face" closeups and "sex grunts" of male porn stars. That is just disgusting and I will not stand for it.

  • By law of the land, all toilet paper will be two-ply and be manufactured with a small percentage of moisturizer. No longer shall people of this country suffer from shitty toilet paper.

  • By law of the land, a great sexual position will be invented and be named after the great king. Men around the country will stop in awe when hearing another fellow man say, "I did the Melvin on her last night."