Here's the collective story of everything that went down that night, exactly as it happened.

It's late at night, around 2:30 in the morning on just the first day of Sausage Fest: Florida. We get to Nico and Josh's beachside condo and decide to play a few hours of poker.

During the second round of poker (and my second game of poker ever), I sucker Josh S into going all in and then clean him out with a pair of aces. A bit later, I clean out Dan also. Josh M is a bit drunk too and goes all in on a really really bad bluff...so I clean him out too.

Party Foul #1

So while the rest of us continue playing, those three start a new drinking game: the guys sit around in the living room with a glass half-filled of beer and take turns tossing a ping pong ball into each other's glasses. If someone makes it into your glass, you drink.

Around 6 in the morning, it's obvious that Josh M. is losing.

(Quick sidenote: earlier that night Josh M realized how crappy it was to lounge around in pants in the Florida humidity. Since he didn't bring a pair of shorts, he begged us to loan him a pair. But since we all know how sloppy he gets after a few drinks, we all told him "no." So, Josh's only option was to lounge around in his boxers.)

Drunken Josh: "Look at my balls!!! Look at my balls!! Hahahahahahaha!!!"

Oh noes. It's Drunken Josh.

I guess it was inevitable. He was like a first-grade boy showing off his new Ninja Turtle to his friends, and how when you squeeze the legs together the head pops out of its shell. Kinda like that. The only difference is he's a 24 year old drunk instead of a first-grader, and instead of squeezing his legs, he spreads 'em to get something to pop out.

Everyone: God damnit Josh, put away your fucking balls!!
Drunken Josh: Okay, okay...I'll stop showing my balls...

Sweet. All is quiet in the western front.

Or is it?

Party Foul #2

A few minutes later we are all chilling on the balcony (except for Samir, who was passed out in the bedroom). For some wierd reason that we still do not understand, Drunken Josh goes inside and starts slamming the shit out of the bathroom door.

SLAM SLAM SLAM
Nico: Dude. What. The. Fuck. It's fucking 6 in the morning. Nico runs inside to chew him out while the rest of us chill outside for a smoke
Nico: Open the fucking door!! Josh, open the god damn door!!
Nico: I swear to God, Josh, I'll fucking break down this fucking door!!
SLAM

Whoa shit. He actually kicked down the door...And there was Drunken Josh, sitting on the toilet with his boxers around his ankles, with that dumb drunken look on his face.

While Nico picks up all of the broken wooden shards, Drunken Josh puts on his boxers, walks to the far corner of the balcony and starts mumbling to himself. He's mumbling about how much he hates us, and how Nico is gonna kill him, and how his ex-girlfriend is a slut...yada yada yada.

At this point I decide to take time away from the drama and walk down the shore to look for baby seaturtles. (Hey, I always wanted to see baby turtles like they showed on Sesame Street.) I didn't find any but I figured that by the time I get back, things would've winded down.

Boy was I wrong.

Party Foul #3

Apparently after the guys kept ignoring him, Drunken Josh went to the bedroom to continue with his drunken ranter.

Drunken Josh: :blah:

Samir: Josh, I'm trying to sleep.

Drunken Josh: :blah:

Samir: Seriously, fuck off. I have work in the morning!

Drunken Josh: Fuck you, Samir! You stupid fucking ghundu! You'll never have a fucking girlfriend!! You're a fucking Class-A loser!!!

At this point, Drunken Josh jumps on Samir and starts wailing on him like a birthday piñata. And of course, Samir retaliates. He gets up and pushes him off. There's a small scuffle that ends up with Drunken Josh's head getting knocked into the side of the door. Luckily, there's no major damage to the door or Josh's head; only a small cut and a big bump above his eye.

Drunken Josh starts flipping out.

Drunken Josh: I fucking hate you guys! I fucking hate this place!! I'm fucking going home!!

Okay, we understand where all your anger is coming from...but seriously, North Carolina is kinda far from Florida...

Drunken Josh puts on his jeans, steals my white Sumo t-shirt (that fucker) and storms out of the condo. But just before he makes it to the stairway, Nico cuts him off.

Nico: Get back in the house, Josh.
Drunken Josh: Fuck you! I'm going home!!
Nico: Just get back in the house, man.
Drunken Josh: Fuck you!!!!

Right then and there, Josh does the unthinkable: he jumps off the 2nd floor balcony.

What. The. Fuck.

At first it doesn't look all too bad, considering he landed on grass. He's totally conked out and for a moment it looks like that's the end of the night; we can just carry him back to the couch and in the morning it'll be like nothing happened.

But then, Josh wakes up and starts screaming like bloody murder. Fuck. Something ain't right. His entire body is shaking in pain...except for his right foot. It must be his ankle. It must be.

Alan, Josh S., Nico and I decide its time to take him to the hospital. We pick him up and head over towards the truck. Halfway to the parking lot, Josh's screams are getting louder...and we notice his right foot dangling side-to-side like a piece of string cheese. Fuck, this can't be good.

As we continue towards the parking lot, we step under a lamp post. There's blood. All over his jeans. Fuuuuuuuuck.

We finally make it to the truck but it is no easy task putting him in the back. Even the tiniest movement would set off Josh.

Me: Fuck this, guys. If we can barely get him to the truck, there's no way in hell he's gonna survive the drive to the hospital. We need to call 911.

At exactly 6:26am we make the call, and in just 6 minutes the paramedics are on the scene. He's still screaming and they offer to give him something for the pain...but that idea is shot down when we tell them how much alcohol he had. Drugs right now would be a fatal mistake.

It's no easy task but about half an hour later, Josh makes it onto the stretcher and into the ambulance truck alive.

At the Hospital

Josh is still piss drunk. In fact, they tested his blood-alcohol level and he blew a .28%. Now for reference:

• 0.08% is the minimum legal limit across all 50 states.
• 0.20% Loss of motor control; must have assistance moving about; mental confusion; needs medical assistance.
• 0.30% Severe intoxication; minimum conscious control of mind and body; needs hospitalization.
• 0.30% - 0.60% This level of alcohol has been measured in people who have died of alcohol intoxication.
• 0.40% Unconsciousness; coma; needs hospitalization. (Source)

And if his blood-alcohol level wasn't enough to convince you how drunk he was, check out the stuff that he was yelling at the doctors:

Drunken Josh: Fix my face!! I don't care how much it costs!! I don't care about my leg!! Just fix my face!!! Do whatever it takes!!!

And I can't leave out this classic line:

Drunken Josh: Fuck!! Fuck!!! Fuck!!!
Drunken Josh: It hurts so much!!!!!
Drunken Josh: Wait...who farted?

So anyways, since he was so drunk, the doctors decided that they should wait til he's sober enough to be safetly sedated for surgery.

6 hours later, they started surgery.