For some wierd reason a random memory popped back in my head today. This particular memory was something that I surpressed long ago so it was a little shocking to feel those emotions all over again. I never really posted about it in detail, and I haven't made a long blog post in a while so I figured what the hell, I'll write about it.

Okay, so it's November 13, 2004. I'm at Cathy's place in Berkeley with Alan and James. We just had a crazy kickback with way too much alcohol.

Sometime during all the festivities I ended up in this really soft chair in the living room. The chair was so soft and I was so full of beer that I just couldn't get up off the seat if my life depended on it. So naturally, I ended up passing out on that chair.

5:30am rolls around and I hear the front door slam shut. I wake up and the room is all spinning. I overhear a conversation between the girls that just came in. I'm not exactly sure who the girls are but I figured out that at least one of them was Cathy's roommate. For privacy purposes let's just call her Mwanajuma.

So anyways, Mwanajuma is pissed as shit. Apparently they just got back from the club and she's bitching left and right about the guys there. I really wasn't sure what she was talking about -- cuz honestly I was too drunk & tired to care -- but it was obvious she was pissed as shit.

So there she is in the kitchen, bitching and bitching and bitching in her thick fresh-out-of-africa accent. I try to ignore it so I could get back to sleep.

And then out of nowhere...silence...

"That's wierd," I'm thinking to myself. "How the hell does such a powerful voice disappear in mid-sentence?" I'm kinda curious so I crack open my eyes to see what's up.

There she was. Mwanajuma. Across the living room. Staring right at me.

Wow, this is awkward. The look in her eyes is enough to penetrate into my very soul and make me feel more vulnerable than a homophobe stuck in a San Franciscan gay bar. I'm completely drunk out of my mind; this is the most drunk I've been in months. But as blurry as everything around me was, the situation became crystal clear:

She's big. She's bad. She's drunk and she's looking for angry sex to get back at all the guys that rejected her at the club.

Run. That is the first thing that came to mind. But I couldn't. My gut is too full of beer and this seat is too soft, not to mention her penetrating eyes are scaring me stiff. I couldn't move if my life depended on it. I'm stuck and I'm at the very mercy of this drunken african beast-of-a-woman that is slowly walking towards me.

"Hi," I mumbled.

"Hi Mel," she says with the dirtiest, sleaziest smile ever. "God, you are so cute, I could just tickle you all over!!"

Oh noes.

She then starts to tickle me like a 6 year old boy and his brand new Tickle-Me-Elmo doll on Christmas day. On the outside I'm all fake smiling & giggling but on the inside I am crying, begging & praying that this horny touchy-feely drunk would just go away. I try my hardest to keep my cool because I fear the slightest act of rejection would only anger the beast; and the last thing I want is angry sex with a crazed gorilla. Yuck.

Two eternally long minutes later, she stops. Thank you, God. But then I open my eyes see that her monkey lips are within striking distance of my own. It was like in the movie, Hitch: she went the 90 [percent of the way] and she's waiting for me to go the last 10. Except, there's no way in hell I'm going the last 10. Her face is just sitting there in front of mine and once again her eyes are locked on. She's eye-fucking me. Hard. God knows what kind of freaky shit she's doing to me in her mind. The sexual tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife.

She moves in closer. And closer. Oh God, here it comes....

But just at the last second I turn my head and reach out for something -- anything -- that could devert the attention and break up the situation. I reach out and end up grabbing...my cellphone!

"Wow look at that, it's 5:35," I say as I look at the time on my phone. "I really should go to sleep."

Phew. Saved.

Or am I...

She looks at the cellphone in my hand, then her eyes do a really creepy transition to lock back onto mine. She completely ignored what I just said. Fuck. And she's doing it again. She's eye-fucking me. Oh God, I feel so violated. This is by far the most agonizing foreplay ever in this history of the world. Fuck, I gotta do something. Say something!

"I'm really drunk..."

There, I said something. Maybe she'll take the hint.

Or maybe not...

I see a sparkle in her eye. Fuck, that totally backfired on me -- she's even more turned on now! She doesn't even have to say anything, I could just see it in her eyes, "Oh I'm really gonna give it to you now, big boy!" I'm so fucked.

Mwanajuma decides to turn up the heat. She reaches over me to the the sidetable. I cringe at the fact that her breasts are freakishly close to my face. She grabs a thing of chapstick and applies it to her lips. She presses her lips together and prepares for some passionate mouth-to-mouth foreplay.

I vomit mentally.

Suddenly out of nowhere, something clicked in my head: the chapstick she has is yellow...there's no such thing as yellow chapstick!

"...that's a gluestick..."

She looks at the "chapstick" in her hand and yes, it was indeed a gluestick she was just applying to her mouth. She was that drunk. Mwanajuma jumps up and rushes to the kitchen sink to wipe off the glue and embarassment from her face.

I'm a little astonished at how quickly she left.

"Is she gone???! Is she really gone??! Oh shit! I got rid of her!! Should I go??! Right now?? Which way do I go? What if she sees me?? Fuck this, I'm out of here!"

But just as my internal dialogue ends...she's back. She has that look in her eyes again. Yuck. She pushes me back into the chair, moves in, puts her lips right next to my ear and softly whispers:

"Mel..."

"Yeah?"

"Do you want an omelette?"

Wait. What?

"Do you want an omelette?"

What the fuck? Is she serious?? Is this what it has come down to? Bribing me with food???! And of all things she could possibly bribe me with, she chooses omelettes?? Are you fucking kidding me??!! What the hell does she expect me to say? Hell yeah, baby, omelettes make me wanna have sex???

Okay okay, in all fairness, under normal circumstances a girl offering me food would actually be a turn on...but in this case, with her? No. Hell no.

"No thanks."

Unfortunately, even though I tried my best to say that as politely as possible, it appears that I have angered the beast. She exhales with anger like a raging bull. "Mel, my name is Mwanajuma Latifah and I am an africaan woman! It is always our duty to please our man!"

Oh noes. Just keep your cool, Mel. Just keep your cool.

"...It's okay...I'm not hungry...Thanks anyways..."

At this point I see her patience is completely worn off. And as a result, she decides to stop beating around the bush. She moves again into kissing distance and passionately whispers into my ear:

"I want to feel your cock in my butt."

My jaw drops. My balls recede inwards.

At that very moment I had a vision; kind of like that cliche of your life flashing before your eyes right before you die. I envision myself having the most tragic, traumatizing sex with this beast-like woman thing. I envision myself crying, "not like this...not like this..." I envision all of the possible sex toys she may have, the same toys that she confessed to having in last night's drinking game. A little piece of me inside dies.

"Mel, I'm gonna go get ready. When I come back, I expect to see you in my bedroom. Naked." She then runs off to the bathroom to freshen up and grab a condom.

Bedroom? Naked?? Fuck that! I'm outta here!! I waste no time with hesitation; I just get up and get the fuck out of there. I run up to Cathy's bedroom and lock myself in. I turn to Alan & James for support but they're passed out like bitches on the bed. I try to shake Alan awake. "Alan...she's trying to rape me...she's trying to rape me...." It's hopeless, he's completely out.

Oh shit, I hear creaking up the stairway. I press my ear against the door.

Fuck, she's outside. I feel her presence through the vibrations of the wooden floor as she walks past the Cathy's bedroom and into hers. I'm freaking out. She's gonna see I'm not there and completely go ape-shit on me, I know it. She's gonna bust down the door and capture me and take me in as her sex slave. She's gonna throw me on her bed and fuck me sideways with all sorts of oversized rubber paraphanalia. This is the end of the road for me. This is it.

I stand there with my ear plastered to the door, waiting for my impending doom. I listen...

I hear a door close. And then...

Silence.

Five minutes pass.

I did it! Oh my God I think I did it!! I cheated death!! Thank you, God! This is my happiest moment of my life!! Just think, in another dimension it could be me in the bedroom next door having the most traumatic sex ever with Mwanajumazilla. For the first time in my life I am so unbelievably proud to say that I will not be having sex tonight. I shed a tear of joy.

So now,it's almost 6:15. This little nightmare has officially come to an end. I take the time to appreciate my life. I lie myself down on the cold bedroom floor, wrap myself in a towel, close my eyes and count my blessings as I slowly drift off to my happy place with a smile on my face.

I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe.