Thank you all so much for all the Facebook shouts outs, Myspace comments, text messages, phone calls, IMs, WD40, homemade t-shirts, cheesy drawings of food in a homemade birthday card, cookies & cream ice cream cake, double fudge brownie awesomeness, white chocolate macadamia caramel cheesecake and the new showerhead. My heart is a little warmer, pants are a little tighter and text message plan is a little over.
You know the moments when you're talking on the phone and you have to spell out something? It could be your name, street name, an internet address or whatever. But the guy on the other line doesn't know what the hell you're talking about and you're forced to literaly spell it out for 'em.
It happens to me a lot. And I have the fucking hardest time spelling out the letters.
Actually, I take that back. It's very easy for me. It's just completely inappropriate when talking to people that don't know me.
The military, instead of using "A-B-C," uses a phonetic alphabet like "alpha, bravo, charlie." This works great for them...but I go by a much different phonetic alphabet.
Here we go, me typing out the first word that comes to mind for each letter:
A as in ass!
B as in balls!
C as in children!
D as in dick!
E as in ecstacy!
F as in fuck!
G as in girls!
H as in hoes!
I as in incest!
J as in jerk!
K as in kids!
L as in loose!
M as in Melvin! (This one really fucks me up... "My name is Melvin. Spelled M....as in Melvin..." :oh: )
N as in black people!
O as in orgasm!
P as in penis!
Q as in queer!
R as in harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! pirate
S as in secks!
T as in titties!
U as in ugly!
V as in vagina!
W as in women!
X as in xstacy!
Y as in whyyyyyyyyyyy nooooooooooooooooooooooes!
Z as in....zebra? :dunno:
Okay, okay, I know exactly what you're thinking. There's something not right about this list...
This Wednesday will officially mark my first full year as a working man in the real world. I remember a year ago I was dreading the idea of a full 5-day work week, doing the 9-to-5 deal and commuting through LA traffic. But honestly, after a full year of doing this, I can say that I'm having a blast.
A year ago, we didn't even have an office; I was the first officially hired employee and was working from home. Since then, we've opened an office in Irvine, moved to West Los Angeles, hired 21 people, closed a couple dozen deals...and had a lot of fun throughout the process. Here's just a few tidbits of life at the office:
At the video shoot, our president is supposed to say, "Thank you for watching our video. We can't wait to be your success partner."
Gary: Thank you for being our sex partner. We can't wait to watch the video.
Gary's dirty mind must of been contagious cuz later on in the video shoot, Dave is supposed to say, "...and now I will turn you over to our product designer, Mel."
Dave: And now I will turn Mel over for you.
Becca telling us about her childhood:
Becca: Remember when you were a kid and all these doctors would ask you things like, 'does the TV talk to you sometimes?' Everyone: Uhh. No...
Wesley's damn ringtone every day
Everyone whistling Wesley's damn ringtone every day
Dave unconsciously whistling "We got the funk" everytime one of us says "func" (short for "function")
Racist graphics designer joke:
Dave: I love #000000 people
Us provoking our hardcore vegan co-worker:
Me: Kemar, would you rather put a sausage in your mouth or in your butt? Kemar: Definitely in my.... hesitates ... nevermind.
Introducing someone to the team:
Harv: And this is Adam. He specializes in programming, setting up servers, managing the databases...you know, all of the backend stuff. Thomas: He's the Backend Master. :gayhehe:
Wesley after learning how to make 3 dimensional spheres in Photoshop:
Wesley: Hey Mel, check out my pretty balls.
Deciding on codenames for future version releases of our software:
Mel: Let's codename everything after pornstars!
Harv: Ooh, I know!
Harv: Let's codename everything after each of the employees we've fired!
rofl:
Explaining our philosophies on bugs:
Andrew: It's not a bug, it's a surprise feature! Me: Yeah! It's like, "Surprise! You're account was deleted!"
Me using a shitty metaphor for explaining how to deal with serious bugs:
Mel: It's like we have genital warts. Either we can put makeup on it to cover it up, or we can spend the money on a good doctor and get that shit removed. Everyone: :uhh: :uhh: :uhh: Thomas: ...What I think Mel is trying to say is... Thomas: we're on a boat that is sinking. Either we can try to do quick, temporary fixes by using bandaids to cover the holes, or we can take the time to properly fix the boat.
In Miami, president walks over to a group of big black guys sipping girly drinks:
Gary: You a bunch of girls or something? What's up with the fufu drinks? Gary: Your drink is all pink and you got a girly little straw and everything.
Gary: So what do you guys do? Big Black Guy: I'm in the music biz. These guys are my crew. Gary: Cool, I actually work with a lot of guys in the music industry.
A few minutes later...
Gary: Listen, I gotta head out but give me your number so we can talk some shop sometime. Gary:pulls out cellphone Gary: How do you spell your name again? Big Black Guy: S-U-G-E K-N-I-G-H-T
Just over a month ago, my beloved baby, JustBBall.com, was acquired by SportsTwo.com. I'm still working with my members over there, but I have a much more reduced role than before, which is perfect because I'm using the time to focus on my career. (S2 is still in it's infancy, but I'm working with the webmaster on making it more user-friendly.)
JBB was started back in January 2003 and since then, had acquired 11,828 members. I've made some good friends and amazing business contacts along the way. Hell, I got my current job because of my co-administrator. Everything I know as a working man in the internet industry is because of JBB. All the stuff I learned from textbooks has been long forgotten, but here are a few of the real-life business lessons I learned.
Internet people are extremely impatient. Piss them off just once and they can leave your forever with just one click.
It's possible to build a very strong trust and loyalty with people you've never even met in person.
It's absolutely impossible to please everybody.
If you have to make a change that affects your customers, give them a heads up, stick with your gut and you'll be alright.
Negative feedback is always louder, more passionate and comes in all at once.
When dealing with an uproar, ride the storm for a few days. When the dust settles, you'll be left with honest and constructive criticism.
There are some truly, tragically bad apples out there that will carefully plan out ways to destroy you.
Never make promises on timelines (unless you really, really have to).
Don't put your eggs in an unreliable basket.
Don't put your eggs in an unfinished basket.
You only get one shot at a good first impression.
Rushing and cutting corners is a wasted opportunity.
You need a plan from the very beginning or the loose ends will grow to gapping holes down the road.
The first few of a community are the most important. They set the trend from the start.
Most startup communities die within a year.
Focused instant messaging is 100x more efficient than email.
Don't force users to do stuff (i.e. register). Encourage and inspire them instead (i.e. by sharing everything to everyone).
Listen to everyone. There's no such thing as a stupid customer. There's always another point-of-view to learn from.
Its easy to merge business and personal life on the internet; its damn near impossible to undo that. (cough myspace)
On the internet, sarcasm is the root of all drama.
Less is more? No. Balance is more.
Nobody cuddles up to their computer monitor to read a long story. Internet users skim read for something to catch their eye.
It's who you know that gets your foot in the door.
Internet Explorer 6 is the worst piece of shit in the history of the world. Use Firefox.
The last time I went on a cruise was over 10 years ago with my family. I was barely 15, not even close to the legal drinking age, even by international waters standards. Regardless, I had an absolutely amazing time. And ever since then, I had dreamed of going on a cruise with the UDH crew. Unlimited food. A whole lot of booze. Beautiful islands. All with my closest friends. What more could I ask for?
Although a bunch of people had to back out, a handful of guys were able to make it and make history.
August 17, 2007 (1 Day Prior)
Everybody's here!! Even Coal and Finley!
After an awesome lunch at Talia's, we go our separate ways to chill / do errands.
I spend the whole afternoon checking the Hurricane Watch on my iPhone. Hurricane Dean was sweeping through the Caribbean and there was a good chance our cruise would get canceled or postponed. Luckily, our trip is kept on schedule, though rerouted through the Eastern Caribbean instead of the Western.
A few hours later, we meet up at the Shaner's for some awesome homemade gooking. While people get ready, we lounge around and watched the Aramco Brats' Story DVD. Later on, some of us went to good 'ol Funkey Nutz while the rest of us stuck around for some hookah and drinking games.
During a round of King's Cup...
Mel:draws a king Mel: Okay, new rule: Mel: Whenever you laugh, you have to snort. Nico: wtf? :laugh: snort Mel: :laugh: :laugh: snort Everyone: :rofl: snort :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: snort :rofl:
August 18, 2007 (Day 1)
One of the most hectic, stressful mornings ever. While everyone else managed to board the ship on time, Samir & I drop off Coal & Finley, finish laundry, pack, drive to Miami airport, hail a cab and barely make it to the dock on time. Closing time is 3:00pm. We get there at 2:57pm. Damn you, Sam.
Boarding time takes over an hour, but we made it. All that stress and anxiety and standing in line makes us work up an appetite. Once on the ship, we make our first trip of many to the snack bar. Grilled onions and sauteed mushrooms, baaaby!
(Sidenote: This was the 2nd time in my life when I ate at least one burger, everyday for over a week.)
After lunch...chillin' and mandatory food coma.
A bit later, Daniel, Erol, Loren and Nico come by our room to wake us up.
Nico: [To Samir] What the fuck are you looking at, faggot? Nico: ... Nico: ...Samir?
Once everyone is up, it is time to -lose some money- hit up the casino!!
Two observations:
Erol makes losing money look like so much fun!
Techno music in the background makes you want to throw chips around like a robot.
This is officially the beginning of a terrible addiction...
August 19, 2007 (Day 2) -- Fun Day at Sea
This was our first full day out at sea. That means, lotsa sun, lotsa booze and lotsa girls in bikinis. But wait! We there's a Hairy Chest Contest!
Erol!!!!!
As hairy as Erol is, we anticipate that he'll be the underdog. We have to plan a little something extra so he stands a chance. I mean come on, there are some werewolf-hairy motherfuckers out there. We decide to give Erol an advantage...in the form of a sock, a banana and some crotch-cupping shorts. Fuck it, we throw in a Batman mask too.
The Batman mask is sweet, but it's covering up his chest too much. And the shorts aren't gay/european enough.
Perfect. Add the robe, a few stripper moves and we are good to go.
The competition looked alright.
Showtime, Erol!
Contest Host: Put your robe back on! There's kids around here!!!
Great show, Erol! Granny is fucking LOVING IT. The other girls are a little intimidated, but awesome job floppin' your banana.
Oh shit...who the fuck is this guy...
After a disappointing yet inevitable defeat, we spend the rest of the afternoon chillin' on the pool deck.
Soon enough, we have our first formal dinner.
Here's a sample of the type of food we have throughout the trip:
After dinner and a little pre-boozing, we head out to the Karaoke bar.
Compared to our past Karaoke excursions, this bar has a totally different vibe. The place was predominately black and it felt more like Showtime at the Apollo, focusing more on Mo-town type music. Over the course of James Brown impersonations, one-by-one we migrate over to the Piano Bar next door.
The piano guy, Garth, plays a good sport and lets us get as rowdy and drunk as we want. Hell, he even lets us take over the piano for a few songs.
We close the night with drunkness, gambling and of course, free room service.
August 20, 2007 (Day 3) -- San Juan, Puerto Rico
We spend the morning doing the pool deck thing.
We get a little productive and win the trophies for the Trivia Contest.
Then we got back to our perverted ways.
A few hours later, land ahoy!!
We get off the boat a little late but first thing we do is head out to Senior Frogs. We buy some Long Islands (extra long!) in thos gnarley yard stick glasses. The place is bumpin' with people and some typical spring-break-type contests. We eventually head out and check out the rest of Puerto Rico.
Niiiiice!
Nico: Uhh shit, has anyone seen Samir?
We spend most of the night looking asking tourists if they've seen an indian guy with a yellow visor. Then some of us say, "fuck it" and go play some pool at some Irish pub.
It was raining at first, but the sun came out and it became a perfect beach day.
We spend the rest of the day napping, recovering from sun burns, eating, boozing and gambling.
August 22, 2007 (Day 5) -- Fun Day at Sea
First thing in the morning...
Mel:on the phone Mel: Hey, do you have any openings for a massage? 10:30? Sounds good. Mel:hangs up Alan: You're gonna get a massage by a dude again. Mel: Fuck you. Alan: Dude, think about it. They're not gonna allow that "happy ending" shit on a family cruise. Alan: It's gonna be girl-on-girl, guy-on-guy. Mel: Fuck you. I'm not gonna let you psych me out.
Fifteen minutes later of fucking with my head...
Mel: Fuck you, guys. I'll prove it. Mel:calls Justin and Ariana's room Mel: Yo Justin, you got a massage the other day, right? Justin: Yah. Mel: Was it by a chick or a dude? Justin: It was a guy. Mel: :uhh: Shit. Not again...
I was psyched out of my mind on the way to the spa, thanks to Alan, James and Samir. But you know what? My masseuse was a chick. A blonde chick from London. She was hot and she rubbed me down good. I rocked a raging woody in her face and I smiled, cuz it was a chick and not a dude! (Fuck you, bastards!)
Anyways.
One observation: there are a lot of kids on the ship, and they are hogging up the pools and jacuzzis. For the most part, we just lounge around. But one of us decides to take action:
Nico:splashes kid in the jacuzzi 7 year old:splashes back Nico:splashes back harder Nico:splashes harder Nico:splashes harder and harder 'til kid goes running off to mommy
:rofl:
Anyways, the day was spent relaxing, a little more gambling and a lot more boozin'.
August 23, 2007 (Day 6) -- Private Island / Alan's Birthday
Just when I thought I've seen some beautiful beaches, we come to a private island off the bahamas. The sand is so soft, it feels like powdered sugar.
After spending the whole day at the beach, we get to party cuz it's Alan's birthday!!
How about a little throwback:
A little gambling action...
And a little bar action...
Oh yeah, let me tell you a story of how my room charges went from 0 to $180 in sixty seconds:
Mel: Ashley, let me buy you a drink. Ashley: Thanks! Mel: My pleasure! I... Erol:interrupts...but what about me, Mel? Mel: ( :squint: ) Mel: (Fucker! Now that's an extra $10 to my tab or you make me look like a dick in front of Ashley...) Mel: Sure! Erol: And what about her brother? Mel: ( :mad: ) Mel: Sure... Mel: Bartender! Long islands. Extra long! Nico: I want one! Loren: Get me one too! Alan: Mel, get me a whiskey sour. Mel: ( :mad: :mad: :mad: ) Mel: More long islands! And a whiskey sour! Extra long! Mel: (There! Happy birthday, you fucking bastard!)
Once we got a good buzz goin', we hit up the club!
On the dance floor...
Mel:dances with Ariana and Ashley Mel:checks out blonde Carnival staff chick Mel:dances towards blonde Carnival staff chick Blonde Chick: NO NO NO!!! Mel:dances away from blonde Carnival staff chick
:rofl: [-100 Self-Esteem]
Man, that was so harsh it was funny. As the night went on, I noticed she was checking out Ariana, and the only people she danced with were girls.
She's a lesbian! [+100 Self-Esteem]
Anyways...mandatory bakla picture:
Mandatory Daniel-lighting-a-cigarette picture:
Mandatory drunken-Ariana-kissing picture:
Mandatory circle picture:
And we party the night away:
August 24, 2007 (Day 7) -- Nassau, Bahamas
For our final destination of the trip, we went site-seeing.
Atlantis!
Cruisin' in scooters!
Overall, it was a chill afternoon. Once we got back on the ship, we had our final dinner and hit up the casino floor.
Once midnight rolled around...Happy Birthday, Dan!
August 25, 2007 (Day 8) -- Dan's Birthday / Back in Florida
A couple hours after going to bed, we disembark back in Florida. We split up based on who's picking up who at the dock.
Alan, James, Samir and I spend the afternoon catching up on sleep, doing some errands, eating some Krystal's Burgers and chinese food. We chill at Samir's office for a bit, amusing ourselves with diabetic needles and such.
Later on, we meet at the infamous condo to play poker, chill and have more fun with diabetic needles.
We close the night with recapping all of the good times on the cruise.
Closing Thoughts
It's getting to that point in our lives where we've all graduated and started looking forward to our careers. We can't ask our parents to fund our vacations anymore, and we no longer have regular school vacations to work with. A lot of us had to pull a lot of strings with our bosses to make this work. It's hard to say when the next time we'll be able to get together for a big vacation like this.
Maybe our next big vacation will be our International Wives Tour, when all of us guys are ready to settle down. We'll travel the globe and stay in each country until one of us finds a wife, and then we move on to the next country. Hell, we should make a reality show out of it.
In the meantime, I look forward to any small weekend reunions that'll pop up.
This seems a little too appropriate since I'm currently ending a really terrible client relationship with an architect, but I thought other designers might enjoy. I'm sorry if this seems spammy, I really needed to share with people who understand.
Dear Mr. Architect:
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have somewhere between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet.
However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case..
I just want to break down on my knees like Jerry Maguire and plea, "Help me, help you...help me, help you!" But some people are just too damn stubborn...
