you know that thing where no matter how you hold a dollar bill, george washington's eyes will always be looking back at you?? and it doesn't just apply to dollar bills; its also paintings like the mona lisa and celebrities on magazine covers.

my roommate leaves magazines on top of the toilet. every morning when i go to the bathroom to fire my morning wood, i have to deal with that kinda thing. just look!!

look!! he's staring at me while i take a piss. he's giving me the "sexy" eyes as i stand there with my pants down and i'm aiming my penis...

stop it, colin!!! stop looking at me!!!

ok so this past week I've been on call for jury duty in Compton. I've been called to jury duty twice before and both times I was never actually called in for service. for the past few days I was having the same luck...but then last night (thursday) I called in and hear the words that you never want to hear:

Pre-Recorded Message:

Thank you for calling 1-800-SRV-JURY. You have reached the beautiful Los Angeles Superior Court House in Compton...please report to the court house on friday...april...twenty-ninth at _seven...forty...five...AM...

fuck!!!!

i started freaking out. so naturally, I started IMing some people. it wasn't until joyce's blunt "yeah, and..." (in the "so what's the big deal" kinda way) that I realized maybe i'm just overreacting; Compton can't be that ghetto.

friday morning rolls around, just about 5 hours after I get back home from cal poly. (this is literaly the earliest I've woken up since november. hell, just the other night I went to bed @ 5:30 in the morning.) so yeah, i'm grumpy as balls but I manage to get out of bed and into the shower.

around 6:30ish, i'm standing in front of my closet completely naked (haha, just had to mention that) and i'm debating wtf I should wear. "i'm going to the ghetto...but i'm also going to a court house..." I stood there naked for 10 minutes, debating on what would meet a ghetto court house dress code. I ended up wearing some old jeans and my faded black microsoft polo shirt with a couple holes in it. I figuered "hey, maybe they'll think I just got this lame ass shirt from a thirft store or something."

10 minutes later, I get in my car and start up the engine. low and behold, of all songs to first hear on the radio...its 2pac's California Love. no fucking joke.

2pac - California Love:

California...knows how to party

California...knows how to party

In the citaaay of L.A.

In the citaaay of good ol' Watts

In the citaaay, the city of Compton

We keep it rockin! We keep it rockin!

fast forward about half an hour. i'm following people from the ghetto parking lot to the ghetto court house. "man, this is my first time," some random mexican dude says to me. "yeah, same here." I look around and finally realize that all these people are in the same boat as I am...we all hate jury duty, we all hate getting up this early and most of us aren't from Compton. "hey, maybe this isn't gonna be that bad afterall..."

after going thru the metal detectors and getting frisked by security (hehe) I found myself in the lounge with about 250 others, watching some completely lame orientation video...

Random Guy's Video Testimonial:

At first I hated the idea of coming in for jury service. But after the whole experience, I really felt good about myself. I can't wait to do it again!!

WTF that's such bullshit!!!!!

anyways, after the video we had about an hour to spank off. normally i'd be browing the internet or something on my cell phone but noooooo, cell phones with cameras are forbidden. LAAAME. instead I amused myself with my iPod Shuffle, until...

Intercom: *bing* Alfred Gonzales, please report to the front desk. You forgot to write down your occupation.
Intercom: *bing* Anna Paris, please report to the front desk. You forgot to write down your policy number.
Intercom: *bing* Daniel Thomas, please report to the front desk. You forgot to write down your emergency contact.

what dumbasses!! retards don't know how to fill out a damn form!! *shakes head*

Clerk: *bing* Melvin Tajon, please report to the front desk immediately.

what the fuck...

Clerk: today's your lucky day!! you're the first one on the jury list!! here, I need you to deliver these papers to the judge right now. 10th floor, court room E. you'll go up first and then the rest of the 100 juror candidates will be up in a bit.
Mel: does this mean i'm on the pane--
Clerk: interrupts run along now have fun byeeee!!

okaaaaaaaay...

so after about 20 minutes of waiting, we eventually got into the court room were greeted by a welcome speech from the judge. after about 5 minutes of pleasantries, he finally gets to the point:

Judge:

this is a criminal case. it is the people vs. , , , and _____.

this case involves burglary, assault with a deadly weapon, attempted murder and terrorist threats. we have one attorney for each of the five defendants...this trial is expected to go til may 27th.

OMFG one full month?!?! one whole month of commuting from cal poly to Compton??!? one damn month of juggling the last few weeks of spring quarter and full 9-to-5's in court???

i'm still in shock but the drama continues...

Courtroom Secretary:

when I call your name, please take a seat on the juror panel...
tajon, melvin, please take a seat. you are juror #1.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!

anyways, the next few hours were a bitch. the judge and each of the 6 attorneys got to interview the 18 juror candidates as a group. they'd ask all these moral questions over and over and over. the judge is actually a funny guy; he'd make fun of all the jurors...including my ass. DOH. he totally ripped apart the old fobby asian dude:

Juror #9: I no speaka english good. I have hard time understand completely.
Judge: you don't understand english?
Juror #9: nods
Judge: how long have you been here in the states?
Juror #9: 20 something
Judge: how long?
Juror #9: 27 years
Judge: what is your occupation?
Juror #9: umm car...machine-ist
Judge: mechanic?
Juror #9: yes.
Judge: how many kids do you have?
Juror #9: two.
Judge: do you have to speak english at work?
Juror #9: only at meetings.
Judge: well, I don't see the problem because you understood our whole conversation just now.
Juror #9: Doh!

so yeah, it was obvious that jurors were trying to talk their way out of the jury panel. some people told me that I should just say "i'm prejudice against black people" or whatever. sorry, that wasn't gonna happen. i'd like to see you say that in front of a hundred people and then get interrogated by the judge (who btw was black) and also a team of attorneys (three of which were black). I eventually got the spotlight and got to plea my situation...

Mel: i'm a fulltime student at cal poly pomona AND mt. san antonio college and--
Judge: interrupts I already told you, we don't excuse you just for being a fulltime student. we've all been there before, we know what its like. these guys went to law school and also served jury duty, we've all been there. you're not gonna fail.
Mel: well, that's the thing...i flunked out of cal poly last fall, so I started going to mt. sac. and then I just got back into cal poly this spring and if I screw up one more time, its over. I have finals at mt. sac coming up and I can't afford missing a month of class at cal poly with finals in the first week of june...
Judge: so you're gonna flunk out twice?? *LOL*
Mel: (cries inside)
Judge: *sarcastically* don't worry, we'll take care of you. *wink*

"we'll take care of you???!"  that sarcastic fuck, wtf is that supposed to mean???!

so anyways, another hour passes by and the day was coming to a close. it was time for the attorneys to vote off the people they don't want to be on the jury panel.

Defense Attorneys: The defense would like to excuse...Juror #9 [the old fobby asian dude]
Judge: Juror #9, you may leave. Juror #13 [also an old fobby asian dude], take his seat.

Juror #9 proceeds to the door and Juror #13 quietly follows him...

Judge: where the hell do you think you're going?? tryin' to sneak out the door, eh? LOL nice try buddy, take your seat.
Judge: you [attorneys] may now continue...

5 juror vote offs later...

District Attorney: the people would like to excuse...
District Attorney: Juror #1
Mel: me??
Judge: yes, you're excused. now get those damn grades up!!

ZOMFG, they excused me!!?!! HELL YEAH.

i had the hardest time acting non-chalant about it. its like winning in an award show; on the outside you're happy and modest but in the inside you're like "fuck yeah, bitch!!! who's your daddy, mr. second place?? who's your daddy!!! I am!!! that's right!!! sit your asses down, bitches!!!"

so yeah, I somehow managed to get out of a month long criminal trial in Compton. I swear, god has a wierd sense of humor. I can just see him up there, "hmmm, i'm bored...i think i'll fuck around with mel...i wanna watch him squirm for a day"

dear goofy, steve urkel looking indian dude in my accounting class,

every monday and wednesday night at 7pm, i sit in my assigned seat patiently, waiting for class to start.

every monday and wednesday night, you rush into class around 5 minutes late, and you shuffle to get your shit together as you sit down to the 2nd seat on my right.

every monday and wendesday night, the first thing you do when you sit down is look at me. and not just a casual glance; its always a lingering stare.

for the first couple weeks, i didn't really think much of it; i thought you were checking out the black chick that sits between us. but as the semester went by, it became evident when she was absent that you were actually staring at me.

what. the. fuck.

i see you at the corner of my eye, fucker. the awkwardness started to get to me, so i always turned to you and gave you the silent & casual "whats up" head nod. you nod back and then turn to look at the whiteboard.

but as class goes on, i see you at the corner of my eye glaring at me again.

what's your problem, mang? i already acknowledged your dorky presence with the head nod; there's no need to continue looking at me like that.

do you want to talk to me or something? if so, just say something, damnit!! its not rocket science!! i'm assuming your smart enough to figure that out by the nerdy look of your coke bottle glasses. but noooooo, you continue to just stare at me like i'm a celebrity or something. kinda flatter, but its creepy more than anything.

so what else could it be? do you have a crush on me? even if i was a chick, your little stare tactics would do nothing for me. write me a love letter or something if you like me. write me a love letter, so when you hand it to me and i read it, i'll have an excuse to kick fobby ghundu ass to the floor. yes, i will hit a guy with glasses.

lift up your skirt, grab your balls and say something to me, you damn queer.

• My favorite hawaiian joint closed up. They're relocating 20+ miles out to Huntington Beach in April.

• My cell phone sucks. I got this "smartphone" to keep track of my schedule...but that's kinda pointless when the damn thing shuffles the dates and times around randomly. I want a new phone but all the new ones out there are either gay or too expensive.

• Mouth hurts. Dentist says its my jaw/teeth alignment, not wisdom teeth. He says I need braces. I say I want the invisible ones. He says those won't work for my case. I say he should choke on a hot dog.

• Cal Poly cut off my internet again. I feel inadequate. I'd rather lose my left nut.

• Blockbuster Online fucked me over. Bastards tricked me into changing my plan to this gay new plan with shitty read-the-fine-print conditions. (The 4 free in-store rentals are for non-new movies only!!) Those cockwipes.

• Too many website projects, not enough ADD pills.

• Ran out of toilet paper. Bad timing. Baaaaaaaaaad timing.

sometimes i just wish i was a complete asshole. last week some damn telemarketer called me to discuss some business with my basketball site...if only i had it in me to just tell the guy to fuck off...

Sales Guy:

i really don't give a rats ass...but it was an empty afternoon with nothing to do, so i decided to humor him a bit...

Mel: ...interesting...
Sales Guy: if you hold on one quick second, my supervisor can give you more details
Sales Guy: one second...

i know exactly what's going on...you're a stupid intern that does all the initial talking....and then when you think you can lock up the guy, you bring in your big boy supervisor to close the deal.

i've seen Boiler Room you stupid fuck...

Supervisor: hey there....mr. tajohn

i noticed a slight delay in the greeting...probably because he was reading my name off some stupid list...and the best part is he pronounced name wrong.

Supervisor:

Supervisor: ...so what's the focus of your website?
Mel: its an online community on basketball, but we're slowly expanding to become a true online basketball resource
Supervisor: are you kidding me???
Supervisor: basketball is my favorite sport!!!!

pleeeeaaaaase, bitch!!! you don't know jack about the sport, cockmunch!!

Supervisor: i'll tell you what...
Supervisor: normally we charge $5,000 for our services
Supervisor: but since i like you and since i'm such a HUUUUUGE fan of basketball
Supervisor: i can give you an exclusive offer of $2,100

ooooh ooooh, really??? just for me???!

Supervisor: so what do you think?
Mel: hmmm, sounds interesting...
Mel: i'll have to talk to my co-admins about it and then i'll get back to you
Supervisor: great!! i'll cal--
Mel: if we're interested, don't call me...i'll call you
Supervisor: ...ok...i'll be expecting your call next week!!
Mel: hangs up

yeah right...choke on a hotdog...

ok, so the other day i was sitting in my accounting class over at mt. sac...things have been going great, i've finally buckled down and started focusing on my weakest subject. maybe its the pills, maybe its the fact that i have no more second chances...i dunno, but i'm really focused...

well, focused until i notice that the girl sitting in front of me has this freakish nubbin next to her ear.

this thing is monstrous....its not like a tiny little thing of skin...its more like a third nipple on her head...its more like god had extra skin leftover and decided to put it on her....

when she's looking straight ahead, i don't notice it...but she's always turning to her friend on the left, which exposes that god-forsaken thing to me, right in my line of sight. and the worst part about it is we have assigned seating...so i have to live with this for 5 hours a week for the next 15 weeks!!!

god, i can't concentrate anymore!!!

maybe if i just focus really hard...tell myself that everything's okay...its all good...nubbin's wrong...i mean, nothing's wrong!!! aaaaaargh!!!

if you look closely...

Dehlia: what's that smell??

Krystal: wtf is that smell??

Josh: i had to leave the living room because he walked in....he smells soooo bad!!!

Phoebe: eWWWWWWW!!!

April: when i was leaving your place and i walked by him in the hallway, i totally got what you had been telling me...it's bad...i'm so sorry...

Chin: damn...funkmaster is really really funky today...

Travis: yeah, i smelled that but i didn't wanna say anything...

Bojo: your room smells like flowers and shit...but when you walk by his room....

Bobby: yo...what's his face...he fuckin' smells, dawg.

Chin: i lost my appetite when he was in the car with us.

and it was fucking gone!!!

two hours of driving, all for nothing. the place was supposed to be there for another 10 days as a promo for Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle...but it was so successful they finished all their burgers, packed up their shit and left early!!! noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Harold: i want that.

Kumar: want what?

Harold: i want what they have.

Kumar: hot dogs?

Harold: no. i want that feeling that they have

Harold: ...the feeling that you get when you know you got exactly what you desire...

I know I'm supposed to keep this on the DL but I gotta let it out...

Please, none of you guys tell your parents...thanks...

i got into the village today...butt i didn't get any of my roommates.

anyone know who samuel soohoo is?? is he a freshmen? is he cool? cute? single???

the crappy thing is i think all the guys are on the otherside of the village....

what does the village office expect me to do? walk???

the other crappy thing i'm right next to the freakin' train track....yay...can't wait for those loud ass choo-choos and vibrations at 3 in the morning.

anyways, the pic on the right is the map with casa del mel highlighted.