Okay, so I'm on vacation in the Philippines now. One of the greatest perks of being here is how cheap everything is. Like the past three meals I've had here have all been under $2 USD. And you know me when it comes to food. I'm just one happy fucking camper right now.

One thing I've been wanting to do to take advantage of the cheap cost of living is get pampered. That means getting a manicure, pedicure, foot scrub and countless massages. (Hey, P.Diddy gets manicures/pedicures...therefore it must be cool, right?) So on my first day here, my mom finds a small saloon in the mall called "David's Saloon." When I first hear the name, my first thought was "it must be owned by a bakla."

So I tell my brothers that I'm going to meet up with Mom and Dad at the saloon. Michael replies with, "you know you're just gonna end up getting a bakla." I laugh it off but inside I'm mildly concerned.

So I get there and my parents already have a head start. I look around the room and make notice of the staff: two baklas, a bunch of older women, and a couple cute younger girls. I end up getting a girl who isn't particularly attractive...but hey, it's better than getting a bakla.

"+1 for Melvin," I thought as I recall what Michael said earlier about me getting serviced by a bakla.

Before I start my manicure, I look at my fingernails in detail. "They look alright to me," I thought to myself...with exception to the little piece of lumpia under one of my fingernail. "I don't really think they can make my nails any prettier."

I'm totally wrong though. She spent a good amount of time on each hand and I'm totally impressed with how detailed she is with her work.

Now onto my pedicure. This part of the pampering is what I've really been waiting for. I've been growing out my narsty toenails for the sole purpose of making my pedicurist work for her money. My feet are pretty worn out, considering how I've been playing basketball lately.

As she starts clipping my toenails, specifically my monstrous big toenail, I smile to myself. "That's right, bitch...I've been saving that one for you all this time! Mwahahahahah!" I notice the "oh my god" look on her face when she got to that toenail...and smile in sinister fashion.

A bit later, she starts with my foot scrub. As she scrubs away with that mild sandpaper thing, I'm totally intrigued by how much callous skin she's scrubbing off.

Sometime during the foot scrub, my mom blurts out to me, "Mel, how would you like a one-hour full body massage for 550 Pisos [$11 USD]?"

"Hell yeah!"

My manicure/pedicurist looks up to me and says, "you're getting a full-massage too??"

Based on the expression on her face, I figure that she's the one that'll give me the massage. Inside I'm just a tiny bit disappointed because I was hoping for someone really attractive. I look around at the other female staff members and think to myself, "god I wish you would be rubbing me down."

I'm a superficial piece of shit, I know...but God is about to teach me a lesson.

A few minutes later, my pedicure is officially done. Joy, my pedicurist, looks up at me and smiles...

Joy: Edward!!

Edward? What the fuck?

Edward: Come with me, sir.

Hmmm, I guess he's like a host at a restaurant...

Edward: This is your room, sir.
Mel: Thanks.
Edward: Please, take off and I'll be right back.
Mel: ...you mean take off my clothes?
Edward: Yes sir.

"But Mr. Edward, normally I like to get to know a person before I let them see me naked."

Whoa Melvin, wait a minute...this is no time for gay jokes. Not even the unspoken ones.

Mel: I should take off everything?
Edward: Just your shorts and shirt, sir.

FUCK. Bad day to not wear underwear...

Mel: Well, I'll be wearing a towel, right?
Edward: Yes sir, I'll get your towel right now.

Phew...at least I have a towel...

Edward comes back and throws me a couple towels.

Edward: They're a little small. I hope you don't mind.
Edward: smiles then closes the door

I unfold the towels. They're definitely small....small because they're fucking handtowels! Are you fucking kidding me??!

I take off my clothes and attempt to wrap the towels around my waist.

Nope. Too small. Waaaaay to fucking small. Then Edward comes back in:

Edward: Are the towels okay?
Mel: Ummm...I'm just gonna wear my shorts.
Edward: Okay...

I sense a little disappointment from his voice...but too fucking bad! I need my gay barrier, even if it's just a thin sheet of cotton. I don't consider myself as a major homophobe but come on, you gotta draw the line somewhere. I'm about to be rub down with lotion by a gay filipino man...but it's okay because I still got my shorts.

So I lie on my stomach and gay buttsex massage begins. Edward kicks it off by squirting lotion all over my back.

Disgusting.

My immediate thoughts are the climax scenes in pornos when the guy finally busts. I close my eyes in shame and disgust.

Edward pulls down my shorts a couple inches to expose the top part of my ass and then proceeds to rub me down with lotion, starting at my lower back. The fact that my ass crack is showing is kinda awkward but I get over it. (I'm mean come on, how sexy can an ass crack be? Especially my ass crack.) I just turn up my iPod, close my eyes and think of Jenny McCarthy.

Some time passes by and Edward has thoroughly gone through my back, shoulders, neck, arms, hands and feet. Up next is my legs...and this is where things get...(sigh) interesting...

He starts off with my calves and works his way up. He hikes up my shorts a bit so he can access the upper half. My awkwardness meter steadily rises and then skyrockets when he rubs the bottom part of my ass cheeks.

You know how on TV you see skanky girls wearing their hoochie boy shorts that expose the lower part of their ass cheeks? Yeah, that part. He totally got a good feel of that.

Each time he moves up, he hikes up my shorts just a bit more. Thankfully, he stops before either of my balls start popping out.

But just when I think they gayness is over, Edward starts doing this spanking/slapping thing. He smacks me in my calves, back of my legs...and then he gives me a couple really good smacks on my ass.

So. Fucking. Degrading.

I close my eyes in shame as my face plows into the pillow. In the back of my mind I'm wondering if he's smiling.

I pray that is the worst of it...but it's not.

A moment later I find myself lying on my back. He starts out doing more of my feet and calves, so it's all good. I make a consious effort not to make any eye contact because I don't want us to "have a moment."

He starts working his way up my thigh. Higher. And higher. Every inch he moves up, my balls recede more and more.

I recall the many stories I've heard about this kinda moment, where the thigh massaging leads to an accidental touching of the balls, which of course leads to a little bow chicka bow wow. But each time I've heard one of these amateur porn stories, the masseuse is a gorgeous asian girl and the sex is all sorts of amazing...my situation on the other hand involves a filipino gay named Edward who just spanked my ass and is half-an-inch away from making me Brokeback Melvin.

I close my eyes and tell myself, "it's only gay if he touches my balls. It's only gay if he touches my balls. Please don't touch my balls. Please don't touch my balls. Please don't touch my balls!!"

This is the only thing I can think of. Nothing else in this world matters to me now. I don't care about my new car. I don't care about all the great food here in the Philippines. I don't care about Britney's sex tape...the only thing that matters to me is this very moment, right here, right now, and whether or not there is any physical contact between my manhood and Edward's lubricated hands.

It's finally here. The moment of truth. His hands can't possibly get any closer and my balls can't recede any higher...

Edward: All finished, Mr. Melvin.

He didn't touch my balls! He didn't touch my balls!! Thank God Almighty, he didn't touch my balls!!!!!I sigh in relief as my balls descend to normal. I shed a tear of joy and another tear of shame. I count my blessings from above yet I curse at the world, all at the same time. That very small yet very, very precious piece of dignity I have left is totally shaken...but still somewhat intact.

What can I say? My life is just a bad porno with the most traumatic sexual encounters ever. The worst part about this whole experience is the fact that I only have myself to blame -- all I had to do was say, "no" from the very beginning. I think it's my passive, over-optimistic nature that allows me to get into this kinda mess.

Ah well. At least my nails look nice now.